


Perfect

by rowdyhooligan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, F/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 20:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17008260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowdyhooligan/pseuds/rowdyhooligan
Summary: After fumbling an interview with a witness while working a case, Gadreel’s feelings of self-loathing start to get the better of him.





	Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from tumblr: Found this buried in my requests; sorry for taking so long on it, I hope it was worth the wait! requested by @d4rzill4: Hi, for your SPN prompt maybe the reader has Gadreel listen to F**kin Perfect by P!nk when he’s feeling down hearted. changed the request up a bit, hope you don't mind!

“Thank you for your time. Please call if you remember anything.”

“I will, Detective,” your witness replied, a guilty look on his face as he accepted your business card. “Detective, your partner…can you let him know I’m sorry for the way I snapped? Things have been pretty stressful lately, what with Katie showing up again out of the blue. I lost my temper.”

“…I’ll be sure to let him know,” you promised.

Striding down the hospital corridors, you let out a deep sigh. The interview definitely could have gone better. When Katherine ‘Katie’ Henderson- supposed runaway wife and former Angel vessel- had shown up unexpectedly on her family’s doorstep after vanishing for half a year, it had seemed like the perfect training opportunity for Gadreel. With a recent spate of angel killings, you’d hoped that Katie would remember something from her time as a vessel that could be useful. Discovering that Gadreel actually knew the angel that possessed her had seemed like a sign; surely this would be the perfect chance for the ex-angel to get some practice adapting to his new role as a hunter.

What you hadn’t counted on was Mark Henderson, Katie’s bewildered and protective husband. With Katie asleep, he’d been unwilling to wake her for your questions, and when Gadreel had tried to persuade him, he’d snapped. Threatening to call your superiors back at ‘headquarters’, it had taken all your expertise to calm him down again and get him to cooperate. By the time you managed it, Gadreel slipped out the door, shoulders hunched in defeat.

Looking everywhere for him, you strode down the halls in search of the leather clad man. You finally managed to track him down outside in a small courtyard next to the hospital, sitting on a stone bench by the wall, head bowed. Oh dear…you knew that look; you  _hated_  that look. It was the look of utter dejection, of hopelessness when he felt the sting of failure. He’d worn it often enough when he was an angel, struggling to do the right thing.

Now that he was human, he seemed to wear it more and more often. One of the reasons you’d agreed to his suggestion of training him as a hunter was to give him a sense of purpose, so he wouldn’t feel like the failure he believed himself to be. It killed you that Gadreel couldn’t see what you saw, that he didn’t realize just how perfect he really was. That his compassion outweighed his naivete, and his kindness made up for his inexperience.

Approaching slowly, careful to make some noise so as not to catch him off guard, you sank down next to him on the bench. He was reluctant to look at you, shame rolling off him in waves. Much as you wanted to say something, to reassure him that he’d done nothing wrong, you kept silent in the hopes that he would open up to you. One thing you’d learned about Gadreel was that he could be stubborn; if he didn’t want to talk, nothing was going to force him. That wasn’t the case today.

“It seems that no matter my efforts to be of use, I am destined to fail, to be a burden to you. I cannot even question a bystander without needing your aid,” he said suddenly, jaw clenched as he stared intently at the little fountain in the middle of the courtyard.

“That’s not true…you’re an enormous help to me, Gad.”

He scoffed, clearly disbelieving. Reaching over to cup his chin, you forced him to meet your gaze, pained by the miserable expression on his face. “It’s true Gadreel. You’ve helped me in ways you don’t even know. What happened upstairs with Mr. Henderson wasn’t your fault- hell, he w,anted me to apologize to you for him. He knew he was out of line and he’s sorry for it. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“How can you say that with such conviction? All of my existence has been one mistake after another…the Garden…Samuel…the prophet and my siblings and Metatron,” he exclaimed. Rising to his feet, he began pacing in agitation. “Over and over, I have shown myself to be a hindrance, a nuisance to those around me, including yourself.”

You stared him, a little stunned by his outburst. In all the time you’d known him, from the moment he’d revealed his presence in Sam to the day he returned from the dead as a human, Gadreel has always been reserved about his emotions. Now the stoic veneer fell away and all those repressed feelings roiling beneath the surface came bubbling up to the top. The shock of seeing him like this wore away to be replaced by something else: determination. If Gadreel couldn’t see how wonderful he was, you’d just have to show him, and keep on showing him for however long it took.

“You listen to me, Gad,” you started, moving to stand directly in front of him, “your mistakes don’t define you. So you’ve messed up in the past- do you know what that makes? Human.”

“But-”

“No buts. You are a good person, Gadreel. Hell, the first thing you did when you came back to life was become a hunter so you could help other people. You put your life on the line every day for complete strangers. You’ve  _saved_  people.”

He still looked skeptical, frowning at you. “And yet, even in hunting I would be- I am- a failure. Were it not for your guidance, those that have been saved would all be dead.”

“You’re so…so  _mean_  when you talk about yourself,” you said sadly, “you can’t see how perfect you truly are.”

“Perfect?” he repeated dubiously.

“Yeah- to me you’re perfect, Gadreel. You’ve been through so, so much and you haven’t let it change you. All the pain you’ve suffered, all the fear you’ve swallowed would break a lesser person. But you fight, you persevere through it all, doing the only thing anyone can do: their best.”

“It feels as though my best is very, very poor.”

“That’s not true,” you denied vehemently. Grasping his hands in your own, you waited until you had his full attention before continuing, “You may feel differently, but you are not a burden. No matter what the little demons inside your head tell you, you are a good hunter and an even better person.”

“Demons?” he asked in confusion, “I’m not possessed- test me if you wis-”

“Not those kind of demons, Gad,” you interrupted, “the voices inside, the ones that whisper during your darkest moments…those demons. They lie, they twist everything around until all you see is everything you’ve done wrong. You can’t believe them.”

“How do you know this?” he whispered.

“Because I’ve chased mine down in the past- I still fight them sometimes- and I can see you struggling with yours. But I want you to know that you have something I never did.”

“And what is that?”

“A friend,” you said simply. “Someone who can see the truth of who you really are. You have me to help shoulder your burdens, to talk you through the bad times. You don’t have to go through this alone, Gadreel.”

Eyes glassy with unshed tears, he bowed his head, squeezing your hands so hard that they tingled. You didn’t pull away though, holding onto him just as tightly as you willed him to believe your words. When he tugged you into his arms, you went gladly, wrapping him in a protective embrace. He caged you to him, clinging to you as if your touch were the only thing keeping him grounded.

Head buried in the crook of your neck, those broad shoulders shook, his body trembling under your fingers. His breathing came out in harsh pants and you felt Gadreel’s tears dampen your collar as he finally let go of all he’d been holding in. Rubbing soothing circles across his back, you crooned softly in his ear, stroking his hair as you reminded him again and again of just how perfect he was to you.

You lost track of time as the two of you stood there, safe in your own little bubble of reality. Doctors, nurses, and patients alike wandered by, giving you wide berth to respect your privacy. Eventually he ran out of tears, chest heaving as he regained his composure. Through it all, you held him close, unwilling to be the first to pull away. When he finally straightened, his eyes were much clearer, doubts faded from their red rimmed depths. Even now, face flushed and eyes puffy and swollen, he was perfect and you told him as much.

He let out a weak chuckle, looking down bashfully before pressing a soft kiss to your temple. Rooting around in your pockets, you found an old napkin, dabbing at the tear tracks on his cheeks. He let you, studying your face with a look of gratitude and reverence- almost as if he couldn’t believe you were really here with him. Once his face was clean, he surprised you with another, more ardent, kiss.

Capturing your lips, he worshiped you with his mouth, pouring the depth of his devotion into the kiss. You clutched at his shoulders, fingers digging into the soft leather of his jacket, afraid that if you let go you might just topple over. One kiss became two, became three…you might have gone on all day were it not for the shrill ring of your phone bringing you back to reality. Breaking away with a disappointed groan, you reluctantly looked at the screen to see an unknown number.

“This is Detective Foley,” you answered, giving your alias. It was Mr. Henderson, calling to let you know his wife was awake and wanted to talk. “Thank you, Mr. Henderson- we’re not far and will be there momentarily.”

Hanging up, you turned to Gadreel and asked, “Ready for round two with Henderson?”

He nodded, lacing your fingers together and bringing your hand up to press a gentle kiss to the palm. “With you at my side, I am ready for anything.”

You smiled, glad to hear a new confidence in his voice. It would be hard for him to keep that self assurance all the time, to simply silence the voices of doubt permanently. But if and when those demons reared their ugly heads, you’d be ready to defend him from himself. “Perfect.”


End file.
